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June 2010, Healing Tree Intuitive
Care Less, Love More
Care and love are not the same thing, though they are often confused. In my own experience, care leads to attachment, while love leads to connection.
Care and love are not the same thing, though they are often confused.
In my own experience, care leads to attachment, while love leads to
connection.
There is a place for caring in this world, and times when it is a
necessity. A newborn baby would surely die without the care of a
capable adult. Young children need care until they become independant.
Sick people need the care in order to get well. Elderly people need
care as well, because there are things they can no longer do for
themselves. We also need self-care, as in taking care of our well-being
and environment. There are quite a few examples when care is required.
Care can be an aspect of love, an expression of love...but it is not
love, nor can it replace love.
This is where things get tricky.
How can you not care? I have tossed this care less idea out before, and
it does get mixed reactions. Because people equate love so strongly
with care, it is offensive to some.
When we care too much, care can become worrisome, controlling,
confusing, enabling, and disrespectful. Care becomes attachment to a
specific outcome that may or may not involve us. Over-caring can
actually hurt the people we love, because it often leads to criticism
and over-bearing behavior in order to create the change we THINK needs
to occur. As we try and create future happiness for our loved ones, we
often create stress and discord to achieve that goal.
It is not my job to live anyone else's life for them, even and
especially the people I love.
Example - Caring. My 15 year old son spends very little time working on
a homework assignment. I care that he has not put in his best effort,
and that he will most likely get a bad grade. I worry that this bad
grade will effect his future, perhaps even his self-esteem since he
really likes this teacher and this class and getting a bad grade on
this assignment will make him feel bad - he'll probably forget that he
didn't try and consider himself a failure. If he believes he is a
failure he will stop putting effort into other things. I am caring too
much here. I am worrying about the outcome. I am attached to what grade
he gets. In the meantime, I am nagging him about his effort, his
grades, and his future, all because I care. See what I mean?
Same example - Loving. My 15 year old son spends very little time
working on a homework assignment. I say, "I respect your ability to do
this work, and also that you understand the consequences of it not
being done, because we have talked about the importance of your
education." I leave it up to him to decide what his best effort is. The
fact is, if he does put in effort, he will be rewarded with a good
grade. If he does not, he will see his grade drop. He is responsible
for that. I am loving him by allowing him to take age-appropriate
responsibility for his actions. Whatever the outcome of the situation,
I love him. I am free to do that, because my mind is not wrapped up in
care, worry, and what ifs. The caring becomes a distraction from
supportive love.
We are trained to care. We are told we should. The media bombards us
daily with things we need to care about, from the age spots and
wrinkles on our faces to the celebrity who betrayed their spouse.We
should care about what we have, and what we don't have.We should care
about what others do, and how it reflects on us. We should care, judge,
have opinions, and make sure that they are known, so everyone else can
see that we care.
Next time you are watching the world unfold...check your feelings. Are
you caring about what is going on? Shift it, and replace care with
love. You can do this any number of ways. You can love yourself and
just shut the TV off. You can watch the stories unfold and find love
for the people involved and without judgement say a prayer. You can pay
attention to things that LOVE, not CARE but LOVE draws you into...
because it is those things that will present opportunites to give and
receive love in your life.
One of the most important parts of the care vs love issue is how we
speak to and feel about ourselves. If I care about how others see me,
and judge me, then I will spend my time and energy worrying about what
I am doing right or wrong, how I look, and what I say. Because I care
about other peoples opinions.
If I love myself, I won't care what other peoples opinions of me might
be, although its fine if they have them. Because when I love ME, I can
love them too. When I allow myself to be who I am, I naturally allow
others to be themselves as well. I don't know how that happens, it just
does, it is the nature of love. In love we can see each other with out
judgement. We can look at each other as part of a greater whole.
That is why I believe care leads to attachment, while love leads to
connection. When care is not a simple expression of love, it is a
hinderance to it. If I care less, and love more, I experience
connection. Self respect. Respect for others. Freedom.
Thank you for allowing me to share these thoughts.
Many Blessings
Rebecca Twiss
Healingtree Intuitive
Rebecca Twiss is a mother to four children and runs a single-boat charter business with her man as well as being a writer, a bodyworker, and an intuitive.
